January 22, 2012

Top Five: Things You Find In A Uni House

Sitting here in my student pit I’ve realised that there are things you’ll find in any student house the length and breadth of the country. So here they are:

5. Empty cans/bottles
Was it pre drinks yesterday or a week ago? Who knows, it all blurs into one massive drunken and hungover mess. However, no matter how long it has been since you last had everyone round yours getting hammered so they could then go and get paralytic in town before then almost dying of alcohol poisoning by the time they got home, there will always be at least one half full can of beer/cider sitting somewhere on the floor in the living room. You always end up finding it when you’re hungover as well, when emptying it creates a smell that almost causes you to throw up your own spleen.

4. A crusty off colour towel
No one in the house knows at which point this towel crossed the line from being salvageable to being crustier than your nan’s dogs gammy leg but once it reaches that point everyone refuses to touch it. It just sits there solemnly in the corner of the bathroom, festering in the damp warm environment and growing progressively more solid until the one day you muster the courage to pick it up it stays as rigid as your penis did when you first saw that sex scene in Starship Troopers.

3. Mould
The picture says it all really, too many times has a mug been forgotten on the windowsill for you to eventually rediscover it and wretch and then stare at the little green islands wondering if there really are little cities in there like in that Simpsons episode.

2. An indescribable something in the fridge that was at one point food
Expiry dates, something that will forever be tested to their limits by students. In my experience you can make most stuff last at least a week past when it’s supposed to be inedible before you have to bin it but there are some things that you just leave and leave and leave until you forget they even existed until the fateful day when you’ve got no food in and for whatever reason, normally because you’re hungover, you can’t make it to the shops. That picture was taken on one of those days, I will never forget the smell that came from the container when I took the lid off, like wet dogs mixed with sick and gone off milk.

1. Rats
Rats, everywhere. Inside bins, inside drain pipes, inside baths. Running over your feet, jumping off drain pipes, climbing vertically up brickwork. Rats the size of cats. Rats as fast as a Cheetah. Literally, rats, just everywhere. I hate rats.

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