February 18, 2014

Lifestyle: Hilly's Tips - How To Care For Your Beard

I've started growing a beard. It's been an emotional journey...

that began during the Christmas holidays. I just decided to stop shaving over the festive period, I'm not really sure why but I'm very glad I did. Due to personal reasons (the fact I wanted to leave my job and had to undergo a few interviews) my face fuzz always had to be sheared before it could reach a substantial level.

But with the dawn of my new job (which is going really well so far in case you were wondering) came an incredible opportunity, the chance to go for it and grow as many face pubes as I wanted! And boy did I. About 3 weeks down the line I'm happy with my progress. After a number of disappointing Movembers I was concerned that the rest of my facial hair would follow suit. Thankfully that wasn't the case with my cheeks, jaw and under-jaw sprouting a nice covering of dark brown hair which is randomly speckled with a bit of ginger (I've got my Scottish roots to thank for that). 

Even better is the fact I haven't received a single negative comment about my face forest yet. Compliments range from 'it hides your double chin really well' (courtesy of my lovely little sister) to 'it makes you look so manly' (a female) have simply reinforced what I had started to come to realise, beards are fucking fantastic. A man who has a beard is a better man, the envy of his peers and the cultivater of moistness in the loins of his female acquaintances. 

However as the beard thickened I started to become aware of the fact this wasn't a process you just left to happen. Just like a toddler or puppy a beard needs care, love and attention to reach it's full potential. After searching the inter web for information about beard maintenance I found some pretty good stuff. As with anything though I felt there was room for improvement. And so, I present to you sexy, clever and straight up attractive readers, my beard maintenance guide! 

Hilly's Beard Maintenance Guide 

1. Moisturise (often) 

Why? Why the hell not? As good as beards look no one, particularly a lady friend, likes one that's as rough as a porcupines sphincter. So moisturise that facial hair like it's going out of fashion. I like to do it once in the morning and once before bed, just after washing. Not only does it leave my beard less wirey I'm also pretty sure it makes it, and my whole face, look better (I'll take any improvement I can get!) 

2. Comb (frequently) 

Not only do combs help untangle and tidy hair they also encourage healthy growth in the hair follicle and the production of good oils and shit like that. Don't ask me how I know this, I just do. I don't have to reference every statement I make. This isn't my fucking dissertation. But yeah, that's a fact. A morning comb just after moisturising leaves me feeling a million dollars and looking about a billion (even if I do say so myself).

3. Wash (daily) 

There are two things worse than a rough beard. These things are a smelly beard or a dandruff filled beard. Neither of these things should ever have to be encountered by anyone, ever, so do yourself a fucking favour and wash your beard every now and then. I've heard there are ridiculous things called beard shampoos on the market, ignore these. If shampoo is good enough for my head it's good enough for my face. I just go for Head & Shoulders, or should that be Head, Shoulders & Beard?!

4. Trim (when it gets too long) 

Simply put this is just a personal choice. If you want your beard to grow wild and free then allow it to do so with impunity my good man. I don't really know if this is the case but seeing as I've got a job that involves dressing fairly smart I feel that trimming that little bit of my cheek where the growth is shit anyway shows that despite my love of beards I am also a well kempt gentleman. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong...

5. Scratch (infrequently)

'The itch' has been the worst part for me and has come in waves. The weird thing about having a beard is the feeling of having hair where you've not had hair before. It's different to stubble, it tickles if wind blows on it or if you catch it while scratching your nose. If you've never had a beard I don't really think I'll be able to explain the sensation to you properly. That's neither here nor there though, the fact is your beard will itch at some point. It's during this time that your metal will be tested. Scratching it feels so good but go and look at yourself in the mirror after you've spent a minute straight digging your nails into your face. Red flesh and a beard don't mix bro, not at all. Stay your hands, at least until bedtime. 

5. Show Off (all the time!) 

Yeah, you're a man. You can grow hair on your face that isn't all fluffy and whispy. Hell yeah you should be showing your beard to every man woman and child that you meet. Thrust your cheeks aggressively in the direction of anyone who gives you the time of day. When people ask how you are reply by telling them that you and your beard are fine thanks for asking. Why not make a Facebook profile for your beard and then put yourself as in a relationship with it, you love it that much right? Beards are fucking sick man, you should be as proud of your beard as you were the day you first poo'd in a proper toilet, rode a bike or felt a real female breast. 

If all of this is yet to convince you of why beards are awesome check out these famous bearded men, all LADs. 

Sophocles, TragicLAD
The big JC, CrucifiedLAD
Chuck Norris, er, ChuckNorrisLAD
Yosemite Sam, GoodbyeRabbitLAD

Written by Ryan Hill


  1. you my lovly cousin are the strangest being on this planet xx love charlotte

    1. Haha strange in a good way though right Charlotte? When am I coming to take you and Kayce for a spin then? x