June 03, 2012

Top Five: Tips To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse

So I’m guessing you’ve heard about the recent spate of cannibalistic attacks in Florida from a man literally eating another mans face off while he was still alive to another man murdering and chopping up his flatmate before proceeding to eat parts of his brain and his heart. You’re probably thinking ‘Wow that’s fucked up but that doesn’t make those people zombies, it makes them horrifically strange and scary as fuck, but not zombies.’ However something isn’t sitting right with me and a fair few of the other people who like to type up their thoughts on a laptop and force them on other people via the medium of blogging. Take for example the recent outbreak of an inexplicable rash in a Florida high school which affected all the students of a certain class almost simultaneously and resulted in the quarantine and decontamination of said students by hazmat teams. Coincidence you say? Ok then, how about this one, the man who was eating the other mans face refused to stop when approached by a policeman and instead turned and growled like an animal, further to this (as if you needed anymore fucking evidence) he continued to eat the mans face after being shot in the torso… FIVE TIMES! FIVE. FUCKING. TIMES!!! Riddle me that one.

What’s even more worrying, and causing me to Google ‘How to build a shotgun from household items’ as we speak is the fact that there was another cannibal attack in Canada, where a man murdered, chopped up, fed on and did other unspeakable acts to another man and filmed the whole thing. The perpetrator is thought to have escaped to the UK, more specifically London. That’s right, it’s gone global. So, what I’m saying is, surely it’s only a matter of time before your next door neighbour breaks out in a mysterious rash and then, before you know it, tries to chew your nose off. Follow these five tips and you should be fine.

5. Befriend a fat person

We all know fat people can’t really run (but if you needed anymore evidence here's a video.) See the fat bastard in that video could barely even vault a fence and slowed to a fast walk after about 30 seconds. ‘But why do I want to befriend such a man?’ I hear you ask, ‘Surely he would just slow me down.’ Ok maybe befriend was the wrong word, associate with may be a better term, because when the shit hits the fan you’re not going to be trying to save him you’re going to be using him as a very large, very slow piece of live bait. As brutal as it sounds it’s a pretty solid failsafe, the zombies are unlikely to go for a relatively fast moving and slim piece of meat when a waddling all you can eat buffet is puffing along right in front of them. Only problem is finding a fat person once your latest one has been eaten.

4. Wear Spandex

Pretty self explanatory, less trailing fabric for the flesh hungry hordes to grab onto. See picture for an example of spandexed bait, also a good idea as it will buy you valuable seconds as they get a firm grip on the love handles.

3. Build a wall/fence

Another well known fact is that walls, the higher the better, are notoriously hard to climb by anyone let alone a zombie. Fences, although climbable by most humans, also often hinder a zombie advance. Simple answer is to build a 6 foot high one all the way around your chosen hideout with a single heavy duty gate stuck in the middle. If you struggle to find bricks use dead bodies, the fatter the better (see numbers 4 and 5.)

2. Get a dog

Everyone knows everything's better with a dog, from walking through the park throwing sticks to running through a desolate street throwing grenades into the swarm of shuffling undead behind you. You ever seen I Am Legend? Try and tell me Will Smith would have made it that far without his dog. Ever played Fallout 3? Finding Dogmeat was the happiest day of my life. Not only would the dog defend you savagely and unwaveringly until it’s last breath it would also cuddle up to you on the cold post apocalyptic nights and help you remember that not everything's evil and shit. Also if you train it well you can strap some food to it’s back and use it to lure fat people back to your hideout for your next dangerous expedition into the putrid wastes.

1. Find a warm, safe, hiding place

No, tits don’t count.

What to look for in your hideout: very few doors and windows, preferably a single entrance and exit, thick sound proof walls, a source of electricity i.e. a generator and a source of clean water i.e. next to an Evian factory, warmth and cleanliness

What not to look for in your hideout: in a population centre, no walls, next to an open grave that was hastily prepared by the military before the apocalypse really took hold, somewhere it rains, snows, freezes (i.e. not in England)

Follow these rules and you will survive the impending reckoning and most likely be one of the last men alive to repopulate the earth with all the sexy ladies that probably survived by holding out in the FHM offices or something like that.

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