July 17, 2012

Top Five: Best Things About Being Home After Uni

So after graduating the other day I’ve sat back and tried, and I mean really tried, to see the silver lining of the dark stormy cloud of uni blues. I came to the conclusion that, although it is mostly horribly depressing, being home isn’t all bad. So here’s my Top Five reasons that returning home is decent.

5. The Self Stocking Fridge
Gone are the days when you would sleepily stumble to your fridge in the morning and open it only to be greeted by a similarly forlorn sight as above. Back when I was at uni I was forced into eating such twisted concoctions as super noodles, beans and mayo. Or how about salmon, mayo and Tabasco? There was also the horribly dark night when in a drunken stupor I ate completely black chips and mustard. Now however I, and you, are welcomed by carton upon carton of OJ and milk, unlimited slices of ham, more condiments than you could shake a stick at and other assorted delicacies.

The best thing about it all though? It keeps refilling, over and over again. Like, it never stops. Whenever it looks close to depleting the food fairy swoops in and replenishes the shelves allowing you to continue to munch your way into oblivion.

4. Waking Up And Not Seeing Your Breath In Front Of Your Face

One thing students don’t like doing, paying for things. They especially don’t like paying for something to keep them warm when they’ve already paid shit loads for clothes that do that exact job. These elements combined with the insulating ability of duvets results in you awakening at the crack of noon mistakenly warm in your bed. The minute you open your eyes and yawn however the harsh realities of mid June in England are brought to your attention as your breath condenses in front of your face and forms a white cloud of fear.

And then comes the struggle to make it out from under the covers to the warmth of the (sometimes working) shower. The leg slips out with the foot just reaching the floor but soon retreats back into the warmth of the bed. Next the one arm that was already part stuck out of the covers tries to reach your dressing gown but cant. You stretch and stretch and in your early 1pm delirium you over reach and tumble from your bed spilling a freezing cold glass of water over your nads which results in you screaming like an attention seeking frog.

3.Not Paying Bills

The bill. Something few students encountered outside of a restaurant environment before attending university. It’s a strange and depressing little piece of paper, one that doesn’t go away when you put it in the bin. In fact it keeps coming back, with angrier wording and bigger redder letters each time. Soon phone calls start to accompany said letters and before you know it big scary bald men with tattoos and arms like legs of lamb are knocking on your door demanding money. All because you threw a piece of paper called a bill in the bin?! Mental

The bill however is swiftly dealt with in the family home environment. It falls quietly on to the mat from where it is quickly removed and never seen again. The lights stay on and your TV and X-Box keep running. I have a sneaking suspicion it is sorted by the same mysterious being that stocks the fridge and supplies you with…

2. The Self Filling Dinner Plate
One of my favourite questions as a child was ‘What’s for dinner mum?’ (Yes I was, and still am, a fat fucker who enjoys a good dinner or two) There’s nothing quite like being able to sit down at the table with food being placed right in front of you, 0% effort, 100% reward. You got used to having your lazy ass handed dinner evening after evening though, until you didn’t even think about it, in fact you expected it. University was a rude awakening however as it thrust you into the intimidating and often life threateningly dangerous world of cooking. I mean before uni cooking how many times had you had to use fire, boiling liquid, boiling fat, electrical equipment and sharp objects all in one sitting?!

Although I eventually overcame the adversity of constant burns and pain to finally be able to rustle up a half decent dinner (despite what number 5 on the list suggests) it is now an immeasurable pleasure to once again hear the call ‘Dinners ready.’ A warm fuzzy feeling overcomes me when those words ring out through the house because I know full well I’m about to have a hearty and delicious dinner without having to put my life at risk. It’s the little things.

1. The CONSTANT Supply Of Tea

And now we come to the piste de resistance of being home.Tea. I’m a massive fan of tea, and the Union Jack as you can see, but being at uni and being lazy meant I rarely had a cup of the stuff. It was always so much easier to just get some squash or neck some milk straight from the carton. Fuck filling a kettle and waiting around for it to boil and then pouring it over a tea bag and then waiting for the tea to stew before then removing said tea bag and adding milk and sweeteners when you could just have some Ribena right.

However my house at home is full of tea fiends. I find myself turning down offers of a cuppa because, well, I’ve just drank too much of the brown stuff. I’ve barely finished one before I hear the hiss of the boiling kettle and the clinking of teaspoon on mug. It’s a beautiful thing to never be thirsty for a cuppa. Being home isn’t so bad at all.

(Next week expect a Top Five of reasons why uni is much better than home as I become disillusioned with the routine and predictability of full time work and its associated ills)

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